I'm back nananananana....

Shady's back, tell your friend?

Okay not really but I am back and not for all the fun meeting Superman, moving 3000 miles, and falling in love with the ocean fun like last time. This time we are having a different bit of fun and I don't know if fun is the right word. Stressful, heartbreaking, long, exhausting, mind-boggling, eye-opening, frustrating, long (again I know), time consuming, needle poking, doctor visiting and tearful are probably better words to describe our current journey. Welcome to infertility y'all!

A back ground?  So we did the whole meet each other, fall in love, move across the country crap and then we were like, let's add to our chaotic life with another human.  Great plan right? Sure, it really is and it really was and however this turns out it will be the path that was meant for us and I will accept it and love it. Here's the kicker, having a kid is not as easy as it was when you're 18 and on birth control and your antibiotics counteract it, trust me. Here's where our journey begins....

Superman's Swimmers (how fun is that to say?)

Superman had a vasectomy back in 08? (Not my testicles and I'm not going to hunt down med records right now) so we went through the VA to try and get it reversed, we did that in February 2016.  One side was successfully reversed. Since the reason he had it done was because a hernia blew apart one side and he was like "hey do the other while you're in there", so one side was repaired. Count #1 after surgery, May 2016 showed active sperm at about 250,000 but with great motility and morphology at 90%. Normal sperm counts are

^That was from 10/10/2018. Today is 1/26/20. Over a year ago I started writing about our infertility journey. Wanna know why I stopped? I KNEW NOTHING! I knew it sucked that we had to drive down that bumpy road, but I didn't know how bumpy it would be.

I'm not going to bore you with number today and will give you some good. We had a successful retrieval and have 4 little frosties hanging out in their freezer apartment until we transfer, hopefully in March. It took a lot to get us to this point and we battled injections, failed IUIs, more injections, blood draws upon blood draws, and OHSS. AND IT'S NOT EVEN BEGAN!

What I want everyone reading this to know is that it will be okay, or it won't be, but unless you dive in head first and take that challenge you will never know. If you think even for a second that you will always wonder what could have been, then I suggest getting a consult and talking to a doctor. Get your labs done and have an ultrasound to get the nitty gritty. It is your family, your journey, and your mental health. Remember it will take a toll on all of those things and more, but living with regret is just something I couldn't do.

So for now thank you for reading this chopped up weird as shit blog that took 15 months to finish.

Lost in love

Loss is a part of growing up.

We lose contact with our best friend from 1st grade,

our family pet of 13 years passes,

and it is so very rare that you end up with your first crush.

It teaches us how to grow.

It shows us that every day means something

and that nothing can last forever. 

Loss is a learning tool and a stepping stone.

We learn to smile for all of the good memories. 

As we move on from the pain we open our hearts to love again.

There will never be a replacement for a loved one lost. 

But a new door will open to a new relationship

and with that a new lessen and a full heart.

Love,

Jess

Monday can bite me!

Monday after a wonderful 4 day holiday with my loving family is the devils work I tell ya! Who makes these things? Work sucks.

Christmas has left our house and I will be finding pine needles for the next 2 months I'm sure. Everyone made out like bandits and we all have new things to do which is extremely convenient since NC wants to piss buckets for the next month.

Can we get to the Rocky Mountains soon please?  I want to hike and fish and smell the sweet crisp air when it snows. I need to be around nice, normal people. I want muddy trucks and horse trailers in the parking lot.  Just thinking about home grown beef makes me drool.  Please hurry up. 

Coffee, blanket, book, Gilmore and a snuggly puppy stat!

Love,

Jess

I hate your elf

This whole "Elf on the Shelf" thing has been around for a couple years but just finally got brought up in my house last week. E mentioned something the beginning of the week and I shrugged it off. Friday after I picked her up she went into the whole "So and so and so and so and so and so have an elf in their house when do I get mine?" Mother of the year award? I told her never and my reasoning was "Only the kids that have been extra naughty and need the extra supervision get an elf, you've been good and Santa doesn't need to keep that close of an eye on you." Sorry not sorry to any parents that have to hear that they have naughty kids because my daughter tells your child that they're extra naughty. 

I will not have a freaking creepy little elf sitting in my house "watching" my kid. Santa is magical, Santa is the one that keeps track of good and bad, elves are for making toys and scooping Rudolph's poop.  Did I survive without an elf? Yes and now E will too. 

One of my favorite lines from a Christmas movie is from The Santa Claus, "Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing." Santa, elves, reindeer are all magical and mysterious and fun, kids get to see elves how they want to see them, they get to think that reindeer talk or don't and Santa can look like however they want. Let their imagination work. I know there are a bazillion Christmas movies out, all depicting a different story, but I'm letting mine believe the one that she wants. 

So, call me the Grinch or Scrooge but I will not have an elf in my house.  We will watch a thousand Christmas movies, we will leave cookies out for Santa and leave the lights on on the tree so he can find us in the night, we may even leave some carrots for the reindeer but I will not have a creepy toy elf shit chocolate chips on my counter, throw flour on the floor, shave the dog or go zip lining across my living room. Why should I have a naughty elf in my house when my child is supposed to be good? Durrrr.......

End.

Merry Christmas from the blogger with a 'tude.

Love,

Jess

Mom to Mom

I get all types of parents in my office. I get the moms with the kids that sit quietly, the moms with the screaming kids, dad's that tried really hard on their daughters hair and then the parents that yell at their misbehaving kids the whole time.  Mom's judge, I've written about it before and probably will again. We are all guilty of it but Friday this one hit me a little bit different.

A mom came in solo with her 2 kiddos, I'm guessing about 4 and 2. She walked in sat down and apologized for being a day late meeting with me; no problem life happens, we understand, no harm done. Then she started apologizing for her kids being dirty, they had just come from the barn where her daughter takes riding lessons. After looking closely I could see a bit of hay here and some dirt under the little boys nails. I let her know it was no problem and then asked the little girl all about it, she chatted my ear off about horses and her new found love. A little girl after my own heart and she couldn't stop fawning over every second of her weekly adventures. Meanwhile mom is trying to brush off and shake off the very minimal dust on her son. She looks at me again and says, "I should have done this outside, I'm so sorry, it makes me feel better saying it out loud because I know people judge."

Woah, hold the phone lady. I am not judging you for letting your kids be kids, you took them to a barn and your two year old got dirty? YES! Thank you for letting him explore, get dirty and be a child. I'm sure he had a blast playing in the fine dirt. I know if I was him I would have made little trails and tracks with pieces of hay and then found a couple rocks to "drive" around them. You are a fantastic mom for letting your child come in dirty. Dirty kids are happy kids, their imaginations are wild and they are full of life. They came in here with smiles and stories and that will top a little bit of dirt and hay any day. I let her know it didn't bother me one bit and that it was great.

When we finished up and she left I was happy and sad for her all at once. She isn't letting herself bask in the glory of being the coolest mom ever but instead she's worried about everyone else judging her because her son's hoodie is a little dusty.

So mom with the dirty kids because you left them be kids, you rock. You are the coolest mom ever. Tell anyone with a snotty look or a glare to kick rocks. You win at being a parent. Your kids are happier, their minds are rich and they have been to places that some will never experience. Your head should be high and your heart should be full, never apologize for being awesome.

Love,

Jess

So many babies!

The beginning of 2014 was cold, heck, NC even had snow days! I'm going to say that's where all of these babies are coming from. BABIES EVERYWHERE! I have friends/family all over the country that are currently hugging a newborn or will be in the next month.

This coming from me may seem really left field but I'm excited to hold one. Rule of thumb for this girl is, if it's not yours don't touch it. I have had this crazy fear of dropping someone's baby, so I've steered clear of all children that could not sit on their own.  My bff has a great picture of me holding K when she was hours old. I was 10 days from popping and I had been avoiding holding this baby for the whole 2 hours I had been in that room, then BAM! Someone hands me the baby, I held her for about a minute before I gladly passed her off on someone else. Everyone thinks it a funny-haha until the baby gets dropped because I have to sneeze or something. This does not apply to my own child(ren) if I drop them accidentally then the fuck up is on me. I would still feel awful of course but it's just different breaking something that doesn't belong to you. Side Note: I never dropped E.

It's been 6 1/2 years since I had a newborn, I remember a lot of puke (yay acid reflux) and a lot of days just sitting for hours rocking a sweet baby.

Miss E at about a month old

Some pointers:

1. You can never have too many onesies or jammies. 
2. Take a shower every day to keep yourself sane. 
3. DO NOT wake your baby unless it's by doctors orders, sleep is good. 
4. Get out of the house (this applies to the not super newborns).
5. Your baby, your rules. If crazy Aunt Betty thinks she needs to be at your house waiting for you to get home from the hospital you get to tell her no. You get to tell everybody no. Your baby, your rules.
6. Do not listen to other's. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. You are going to do what's best for your baby and your family. It doesn't matter how your baby eats, where your baby sleeps or how long your baby is held during the day. Does it work for you? Then you do that and tell everyone else to go pound sand.
7. You just had a baby, you'll be jealous of the women that can fit back in their pre-preg jeans, but if you can't, girl you rock those yoga pants until you can and want to get back into your other clothes. No pressure, you just created a life, it's all on your time. 
8. If you think there is something wrong, go to as many doctors as you need to until you are satisfied. I spent a month with an angry acid filled baby until I switched doctors and all was well. Mom knows her baby the best. 

So mommy's and daddy's to be, I am sending you wishes of sleep filled nights, happy babies and easy and healthy deliveries!

Love,

Jess

How I failed October's Wallet Watch

The first two weeks I did great! After that it went to hell in a hand basket faster than a squirrel on speed.  I did not pass go and I did not collect $100.

Coffee in the mornings in my nemesis. I run late to get E to school on time so I rush out of the house but then I have 45 minutes in my 10 minute commute to get to work so I stop at Starbucks or DD. 

BAD JESS!

Wanna know what? I did it again this morning. I really need to be better. Since I don't spend on anything else that isn't worthwhile or needed I'm going to try limiting myself to 2x a week and see how that works. Ween myself off slowly.

Did anybody else participate? How did you do?

Love,
Jess